I haven’t told you about the trip we had taken to Bira, Bulukumba, days after our Engagement Day.

So, we asked Rainbow and her photographer boyfriend to shot our prewedding pictures in Bira. They were our college friends and Rainbow also is one of my close friend. It felt like a special roadtrip so I was so excited.

Never I imagined that I would be so grumpy along the way since she mentioned about all the trip she had with Lam in the past. It was like whenever Rainbow went, Lam would be there.

Lam, do you remember when we were in…? We did this, took this, did this, saw this… It was amazing, right?

And everytime, Lam would reply her with a warm answers. He sounded so cheerful, he made the loudest laugh, he looked so happy. He rarely talks like that to me. In that moment, he looked more free.

The conversation had been on like that for hours. Only her and Lam. Her boyfriend and I just kept listening.

I know Lam and Rainbow were bestfriend. I know that they have been to many places more than Lam and I have. But still, eventhough Rainbow was my best, and Lam was my fiancè,…

I know I shouldn’t feel or think like that. I know jealousy is a sign of insecurity. But I felt it, naturally. I meant like, if we watched sad movie you would naturally cry, right? I was not mad, I was just scared. Will me and Lam make more memories in the future?

When Lam and I finally could talk in person, I asked him about it.

Why is it the way you talk to me different when you talk to Rainbow?

What do you mean?

You look happier, more free, you don’t hold back. You say what you want to say and you talk loud.

Of course, because Rainbow is a friend. When I talk to you I speak gently. I put attention to what I say, word per word. I don’t want to hurt your feeling. I am worried I would hurt your feeling. Are you jealous?




Months later, I know what he meant. Because that’s exactly what I sometimes do. If I want to talk to him, I planned my words first. Even the sequence. I even make a draft, and I read the draft when I talk to him (by phone, we are in long distance).

But it’s not because I am afraid of him and not feeling comfortable near him. No. I simply want to keep his heart away from upsetting. I don’t want to be the reason he hurts.

And I guess, that’s how we can tell when people are in love. They respect each other. They respect each other’s feeling.