Lies and Bullshit

Akbar told me lies and bullshit that I only realised recently after we broke up.

He seemed never told his parents about his planning of marrying me. He lied to me. He lied and I trusted him.

He must have lied also when he said that his parents wanted him to marry a doctor. He lied. He only couldn't find a good reason to break up with me. He wasn't gentle enough. He wasn't manly enough. He was gutless. He used his parents to break up with me. I didn't believe his parents were that mean. They're nice and good. Akbar was lying. Akbar was the bad man. And I was too blind to see it. Fortunately, I have ended our relationship.

I know the truth.

He didn't want me to interrupt his career in Jakarta. He thought I was too annoying. He couldn't keep his promises. He knows he is now a successful doctor and there are many beautiful girls who are dying for his love. So, he made up a reason to break up.

I have just found this type of man. I would never ever want to meet another like him again.

He is even worse. The worst man I've known. I hate lies. I hate bullshit. I hate unfaithful man.

It was such a relieve I've broken up with him.

Ri

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Rencana-Rencana

Ilham bertanya padaku di salah satu percakapan telepon kami beberapa hari yang lalu.
“Jadi apa rencanamu sekarang, Ri?”

Saat itu saya hanya membatin, “wait and see” namun menjawabnya, “Terserah Tuhan sajalah”

Tapi belakangan saya sepenuhnya aware, bahwa menunggu dan lihat bukanlah sesuatu yang disukai Tuhan. Dan tidak melakukan dan merencanakan apa-apa tidak akan mengubah apapun. Jadi saya mulai menyusun beberapa rencana.

Chevening
LPDP
IELTS
CPNS
WHV

Saya butuh meng-upgrade diriku. menantang diriku versi lama dan menemukan diriku versi terbaru.

Sebab soal menikah dan jodoh bukanlah sesuatu yang bisa saya usahakan seperti melamar beasiswa dan mengikuti tes macam-macam. Soal jodoh dan menikah, sepenuhnya saya serahkan kepada Allah SWT.

Ri

Stages of Breaking Up

We broke up on Thursday night. I called him when he was busy with Bangladesh people discussing things about I don’t know. He complained about it. He said like, “I was talking with people and I had to pick up my phone because you keep calling me”

I was offended. That day was the sixth day he didn’t call. When I asked was everything okay, he said no. So I called. I wondered what was wrong.

So his parents had this plan to arrange his marriage with someone else. He said that his parents want him to be with a girl who is also a doctor. Since I am not one, his parents asked him not to be with me anymore.
And he couldn’t say no. He didn’t even want to fight for me, or find a way so we can be together. He didn’t even say he loved me. That night, he just said, “I don’t know what to say”.

I said I couldn’t break up. I couldn’t imagine my life without him. I loved him, I wanted to be with him. But he didn’t even say a word. In that moment I knew, we were going to split.

I finally said, “Let’s break up” and he agreed.

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I’ve deleted all pictures of us. I wanted to erase all memories about me and him. I blocked him on LINE, I unfollowed him on Instagram, I deleted his contact number. Just like in the movie “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”. I threw away all his belonging in my bedroom (which is thankfully, not many).

And then I called my friends. I told them about what I was going through. They supported me. They listened. They even cursed him as he acted as a total jerk. They said I deserve someone who is better. Someone who is kind and good and not selfish, someone who will love me with everything he has. I feel so much better after talking. I pray to God, hoping that this was the best step I could take.

Now, I am sitting here writing this on my blog because this is one of the place who witnessed my love life with Akbar. Since the first time we’ve been together. How I fell in love, how he once loved me and treated me nicely. I want to keep him here. So later in the near future, when I am eventually with somebody else, I could read this again and reminisce everything, and finally can laugh loud. Just like what I feel every time I read postings about Ilham.

There are 5 stages we have to deal with after breaking up, some psychologists say: they are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Now I’m having the first one. I still couldn’t believe now I can’t contact or talk or chat him anymore. I just can’t believe that someone I cared so much with all my heart in the past 2 years, had left me. It damages my heart. There’s a big hole in my chest but it’s not real. I can’t take any pills to recover. I can’t do anything but move on.

But I know I’ll heal. Time will heal any pain. I am sure there must be someone out there who will find me and love me with all his heart.

Enough of this. I will continue to live.

Ri

Episode Terakhir

: akbar

tak ada sedikit pun ramalan
yang terlintas dalam pikiran
bahwa kau pun pada akhirnya
akan pergi dan menyakitiku.

episode terakhir
dari garis pertemuan hidup kita
akan terkenang
sebagai momen yang paling menghentak dadaku.

saya mengerti
tapi mengharapkanku menjadi sepertimu, 
seperti mengharapkanmu menjadi diriku
dan itu layaknya membayangkan
mimpi paling mustahil menjadi nyata.

tak ada jarak yang begitu besar 
atau rintang yang begitu jauh
diletakkan di depan orang yang saling cinta
untuk dilalui.

tapi kau menyerah
dan saya tak bisa berjalan sendiri

Ri

Quit

Quit playing games with my heart.
Maybe, the one that should quit is me.
I have to quit my feeling for him.
Delete pictures and postings
Erase all the moments
I am good at forgetting
I am good at blocking someone in my head

It's just, I thought I was soo special but I wasn't. I thought everything about me and him in the future was all true but it's not. I don't know, but this time, I got fooled again. I wanted to cry but I was too furious.

Graduation Day


Di penghujung hari wisuda Akbar tadi sore, saat dia mengantarku pulang dengan sopir diatas mobil, saya berucap selamat padanya.

"Selamat sayang, sudah wisuda dokter", ujarku memberi tanganku terbuka padanya.

Dia memberiku high-five sambil berkata,
"mustinya yang dikasih selamat itu kamu",

"Kenapa?"

"karena kamu yang temani aku sampe begini, kamu yang berhasil",

kujawab padanya,
"padahal saya merasa gak ngapa-ngapain",

Ri