It’s been 6 months I’ve been working in school and I still feel don’t belong to it. I got these complicated coworkers and sometimes I feel get left behind. I feel unwanted.
Today I didn’t go to school. I informed them about it and they didn’t respond even only with “okay”.
This is the first time and the first place I feel difficult to blend myself in. Everybody has already got everyone and they don’t want to take anyone new to join in.
They never feel like to inform me about anything. I have to ask, I have to know by myself, I have to find out by my own. Nobody wants to try to getting closer to me, nobody wants to joke or something. Everything is so formal and strict. They only joke around with their friends and I don’t understand which part the funny sides.
It’s been 6 months and I don’t have a friend.
I wish everything will be different in a year.
Sudah sejak Januari and I just stay at home. I mean no office working.
And I have just read a picture in my Line Home, said like this.
“Don’t forget to talk with your parents. Please remember, that they talk to you even when you still learn how to say a word”,
Dan kupikir, inilah yang kulakukan di rumah selama ini. Menjadi anak paling tua (karna kakak PTT di Sinjai), menjadi Inem dan menjadi teman curhat Mama.
I have been doing okay with Mom. We spent a lot time together. We have done things that I couldn’t do when I was busy in office.
Now it’s asking for redemption.
So why not I let it for a while more?
Having such good friends around sometimes burdens me. They expect so many things from you to do because they want to see you achieve your aspiration. They want to see you have a good life, good career, good recognition.
Sometimes I act such a coward by thinking: “hey, it doesn’t matter if I want it, it doesn’t mean it’s going to happen”-
Then my friends will absolutely say: “why not?”
Exactly like Erin Gruwell said to her husband.
You know, sometimes it jumps my mind every time I wake up in the morning like this moment. “Ri, you have to do something with your life like they expect you to be”,
But you know, sometimes it’s just too hard to do it once you are in your safe zone.
My Mom, K, my bestfriends, love me so much I know. They want me to have better life, not like this life because they are sure I deserve that.
It’s just, you know…
Di ruang kelas yang luas ini saya merasa lebih leluasa menenangkan pikiran dari hal-hal yang selalu menjadi lebih liar di dalam otakku. Ditambah lagi, suara Ed Sheeran terdengar lebih jelas saat ia bernyanyi Photograph ataupun Thinking Out Loud dari dua speaker besar yang digantung di dua ujung atas ruangan. Meskipun volume yang kusetel hanya 34/100, suaranya sudah sangat lantang.
Apa yang saya pikirkan?
Saya kadang ingin menjadi orang lain betapapun seringnya kampanye ‘Be Yourself’ kubaca dimana-mana. Katanya ‘everybody else was taken so be yourself’. Tapi ada saja orang yang sering menyarankan hal sebalinya padaku.
“Ri, kenapa kamu gak coba belajar make up juga, kan lumayan seperti temanmu si A, dia udah sukses. Dipanggil dimana-mana. Penghasilannya gede”,
“Ri, coba aja begini seperti di B. Daripada kamu gitu-gitu terus. Liat dong si itu”,
Kadangkala ada satu titik saat saya merasa begitu merasa bahagia karena bisa menjadi diriku sendiri. Saya bisa membuat pekerjaan yang saya suka mendatangi saya dengan rela. Saya bisa menarik teman yang cocok denganku dan saya juga bisa menjalin hubungan dengan lelaki yang sayang dan pantas untukku. Maksudku, kalau saya tidak menjadi diriku sendiri, bagaimana bisa ada yang menyukaiku apa adanya?
He is a friend. He might turn into someone more than that. He took me to office. He accompanied me to bookshop and to some cool events in my city. He asked me for having lunch and dinner together. We had lunch once and dinner three times. He smells like something I never know. He is not attractive. He speaks fast I sometimes hard to catch up. He texts me good morning, good night and something like “don’t forget to have your breakfast this morning”.
He is still a student in university. He makes a lot of friends. Every place I go with him, there are always people who greets him, say hello and shake hands. He asked once, “are you comfortable with me?”, and I replied “No problem for me”. Which is not the answer.
I want to say that I don’t get use to be with a man like this. It’s been so long since a man gave me so much attention, like everyday. It’s been ages since I had someone to accompany me anywhere I want to go. Now I feel awkward. But it doesn’t mean I don’t like talking with you, I do like talking with you, time feels like flying everytime we talk.
But what are we doing now? What are we? I have promised to myself to lock my heart for a while and not let anyone comes in. So I hope you can tell me exactly your intention or I will ask you first. So I can decide. about everything. that happened and will happen. between you and I.
Before this phone is dead and I go to sleep. I just want to write that I am so proud seeing my friends had their dreams come true! I am beyond happy having them so succeed in their career path.
I want to be like them too.
I want to make my dreams come true too.
I have promised to myself.
I need triggers! A powerful one!
For this post I want to say happy Eid Mubarak for all my Moslem brother and sister! May Allah grants us with love and mercy.
This year, I celebrate Eid Fitri with my family in first day and with my best friends in second day. I was beyond happy. Alhamdulillah.
Talking about my bestfriends, I called it Calistoseven. Until now it’s been seven years since our first time meeting in university. Everytime I gather with them it’s just fun, full of laughter and silly jokes, sometimes motivating and moving. I like them.
It was treasure seeing some people who receive you, who accept you without reservation, without consideration. Unconditional friend. Friends whom you comfortable with. Sharing ideas, talk stupid issues, tell your secret and dirty habit. That happens when I am with them.
Maybe I am too much, but that’s how I feel. I just can be who I truly am without begging them so they can love me back. So they can make me their friends. Nowadays, that rarely happens. Nowadays, people stab their friends’ back. Currently, people betray people. So when you find love in a perfect place and situation, trust me that worths a world. Keep it.