Lies and Bullshit

Akbar told me lies and bullshit that I only realised recently after we broke up.

He seemed never told his parents about his planning of marrying me. He lied to me. He lied and I trusted him.

He must have lied also when he said that his parents wanted him to marry a doctor. He lied. He only couldn't find a good reason to break up with me. He wasn't gentle enough. He wasn't manly enough. He was gutless. He used his parents to break up with me. I didn't believe his parents were that mean. They're nice and good. Akbar was lying. Akbar was the bad man. And I was too blind to see it. Fortunately, I have ended our relationship.

I know the truth.

He didn't want me to interrupt his career in Jakarta. He thought I was too annoying. He couldn't keep his promises. He knows he is now a successful doctor and there are many beautiful girls who are dying for his love. So, he made up a reason to break up.

I have just found this type of man. I would never ever want to meet another like him again.

He is even worse. The worst man I've known. I hate lies. I hate bullshit. I hate unfaithful man.

It was such a relieve I've broken up with him.

Ri

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Stages of Breaking Up

We broke up on Thursday night. I called him when he was busy with Bangladesh people discussing things about I don’t know. He complained about it. He said like, “I was talking with people and I had to pick up my phone because you keep calling me”

I was offended. That day was the sixth day he didn’t call. When I asked was everything okay, he said no. So I called. I wondered what was wrong.

So his parents had this plan to arrange his marriage with someone else. He said that his parents want him to be with a girl who is also a doctor. Since I am not one, his parents asked him not to be with me anymore.
And he couldn’t say no. He didn’t even want to fight for me, or find a way so we can be together. He didn’t even say he loved me. That night, he just said, “I don’t know what to say”.

I said I couldn’t break up. I couldn’t imagine my life without him. I loved him, I wanted to be with him. But he didn’t even say a word. In that moment I knew, we were going to split.

I finally said, “Let’s break up” and he agreed.

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I’ve deleted all pictures of us. I wanted to erase all memories about me and him. I blocked him on LINE, I unfollowed him on Instagram, I deleted his contact number. Just like in the movie “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”. I threw away all his belonging in my bedroom (which is thankfully, not many).

And then I called my friends. I told them about what I was going through. They supported me. They listened. They even cursed him as he acted as a total jerk. They said I deserve someone who is better. Someone who is kind and good and not selfish, someone who will love me with everything he has. I feel so much better after talking. I pray to God, hoping that this was the best step I could take.

Now, I am sitting here writing this on my blog because this is one of the place who witnessed my love life with Akbar. Since the first time we’ve been together. How I fell in love, how he once loved me and treated me nicely. I want to keep him here. So later in the near future, when I am eventually with somebody else, I could read this again and reminisce everything, and finally can laugh loud. Just like what I feel every time I read postings about Ilham.

There are 5 stages we have to deal with after breaking up, some psychologists say: they are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Now I’m having the first one. I still couldn’t believe now I can’t contact or talk or chat him anymore. I just can’t believe that someone I cared so much with all my heart in the past 2 years, had left me. It damages my heart. There’s a big hole in my chest but it’s not real. I can’t take any pills to recover. I can’t do anything but move on.

But I know I’ll heal. Time will heal any pain. I am sure there must be someone out there who will find me and love me with all his heart.

Enough of this. I will continue to live.

Ri

Mahasiswa

Akbar menghabiskan 9 tahun untuk menyelesaikan pendidikannya sebagai mahasiswa kedokteran. Anehnya, dia meraih gelar S.Ked nya dalam 3.5 tahun saja. 

Apa yang terjadi selama 3.5 tahun masa koasnya? Saya tidak tahu banyak, saat itu kami belum bertemu. Namun hal yang lebih aneh lagi adalah dia mampu menyelesaikan periode koas nya termasuk semua ujian-ujian kompre maupun UKMPPD 2 tahun setelah kami bersama. 

Begitu teman-temanku tau kalau saya menjalin hubungan dengan mahasiswa, mereka terkejut dan bertanya, “kenapa mau sama mahasiswa? kenapa tidak yang sudah berkarir saja atau yang sudah sukses?” 

Sekarang, pertanyaan itu sudah hilang. Akbar juga sudah bekerja. Saya hanya tidak percaya bisa bersama-sama dia melewati berbagai macam fase dalam hidupnya. 
“Tell them, Ri, that your man is a doctor, now”, Akbar berujar begitu saat saya bercerita soal pertanyaan dari temanku dulu. 

Ri

Makassar – Jakarta- Weda

Tiga kota yang penting dalam hubunganku dengan Akbar.

Malam setelah dia dinyatakan lulus UKMPPD, Akbar menelpon dan mengajak buka bareng terakhir Ramadhan sebelum dia berangkat ke Weda besoknya, which is tonight. Dia akhirnya bisa berkumpul dengan keluarganya di momen Idul Fitri besok, setelah 2 tahun berturut-turut tak pulang karena masih fokus koas.

Sedangkan saya masih di Makassar. Menunggunya kembali.

Dia hanya akan transit di Makassar, mengurus beberapa keperluan untuk wisuda sebelum ke Jakarta lagi bekerja.
Weda-Makassar-Jakarta.

Saya ingat kami bertelepon dan membicarakan masa depan. Saya bertanya apakah dia merasa saya adalah beban? Dia menjawab, tidak justru kamu yang meringankan bebanku. 

Di atas motor tadi dia juga bertanya, bagaimana bisa saya bertahan bersamanya, menemaninya di masa-masa koas hingga selesai. Saya mencubitnya dan berkata bagaimana bisa dia bertanya seperti itu. 
“Karena Ri, jarang ada perempuan yang mau temani laki-laki pas lagi susah”, 

Kata-kata yang keluar dari kepalanya selalu membuatku tercengang dan terharu. 
Semoga tak lama lagi, Tuhan

Ri

I Want to Remember 

Saya ingin selalu mengingat kata-kata manis yang Akbar ucapkan padaku. I want to remember those sweet words. 
Misalnya malam ini, di salah satu chat, dia bilang “Happy 2nd anniversary, my love”.

Akbar jarang mengingat tanggal 20. Tapi malam ini, tahun kedua kami bersama, dia mengatakan beberapa hal. Saya ingin menulisnya agar saya bisa terus mengingatnya, supaya kata-kata itu kekal disini. 
“Kamu adalah salah satu hal yang paling baik yang Tuhan berikan, setelah Abah, Mama, Dita dan Bang. Kamu itu seperti malaikat buatku. Ada banyak perempuan yang saya temui, tapi tidak ada yang seindah kamu”. 

“Mungkin kamu tidak tau, atau tidak sadar, tapi kamu sudah banyak sekali bersabar denganku. Saya sangat tau, Ri, kalau tidak gampang jadi kamu, yang memilih buat tetap bersabar”.

“Terimakasih sayang untuk semuanya. Untuk semua cinta dan sayang”, 

Waktu menulis ini, airmataku tidak bisa kutahan. Saya menangis terharu. Saya merasa begitu dicintai dan diinginkan. Saya bahagia. Saya tahu mungkin kedengaran gampangan, tapi perempuan memang mudah tersentuh. Saya hanya tidak menyangka, ada Akbar, yang begitu sabar dan tabah memilih tetap disampingku, despite of my every flaws, against all my odds. He stays no matter what. Saya kadang jadi begitu temperamen, emotional, critical dan seringkali speak before think, bikin orang di sekitarku merasa risih. Dan banyaaaak kekurangan-kekuranganku yang lain, selain I am also not physically attractive. 

But he stays. No matter what. 

Semoga Allah SWT menghendaki kami berdua bisa sama-sama. Menikah, berkeluarga dan hidup bahagia bersama-sama. 
I love you, sayang. 
Ri

2 Years Ago

2 years ago today Akbar and I decided to be together.  
this has just been my longest ride with someone. 

the memories flooded. 

everything, every single moment.

a good and bad ones.

the laughters, jokes, the endless discussion, hugs, holding hands, sweet words, kisses, dining in a restaurant, watching movies, visiting bookstores, coffee shop, parents meetups, wedding attendees, caressing your hair in the backseat of the car. 

our fighting, jealousy, broken promises, tears and screaming in the middle of the night, lies and confession, sickness, failures, hours and hours of studying and working, boredom, exhaustion.
No one knows what’s ahead of us, but hopefully we can be together in the future, make a family, have children, live in a house, enjoy the holidays and trips. 
Insyaallah 

Ri