Stages of Breaking Up

We broke up on Thursday night. I called him when he was busy with Bangladesh people discussing things about I don’t know. He complained about it. He said like, “I was talking with people and I had to pick up my phone because you keep calling me”

I was offended. That day was the sixth day he didn’t call. When I asked was everything okay, he said no. So I called. I wondered what was wrong.

So his parents had this plan to arrange his marriage with someone else. He said that his parents want him to be with a girl who is also a doctor. Since I am not one, his parents asked him not to be with me anymore.
And he couldn’t say no. He didn’t even want to fight for me, or find a way so we can be together. He didn’t even say he loved me. That night, he just said, “I don’t know what to say”.

I said I couldn’t break up. I couldn’t imagine my life without him. I loved him, I wanted to be with him. But he didn’t even say a word. In that moment I knew, we were going to split.

I finally said, “Let’s break up” and he agreed.


I’ve deleted all pictures of us. I wanted to erase all memories about me and him. I blocked him on LINE, I unfollowed him on Instagram, I deleted his contact number. Just like in the movie “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”. I threw away all his belonging in my bedroom (which is thankfully, not many).

And then I called my friends. I told them about what I was going through. They supported me. They listened. They even cursed him as he acted as a total jerk. They said I deserve someone who is better. Someone who is kind and good and not selfish, someone who will love me with everything he has. I feel so much better after talking. I pray to God, hoping that this was the best step I could take.

Now, I am sitting here writing this on my blog because this is one of the place who witnessed my love life with Akbar. Since the first time we’ve been together. How I fell in love, how he once loved me and treated me nicely. I want to keep him here. So later in the near future, when I am eventually with somebody else, I could read this again and reminisce everything, and finally can laugh loud. Just like what I feel every time I read postings about Ilham.

There are 5 stages we have to deal with after breaking up, some psychologists say: they are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Now I’m having the first one. I still couldn’t believe now I can’t contact or talk or chat him anymore. I just can’t believe that someone I cared so much with all my heart in the past 2 years, had left me. It damages my heart. There’s a big hole in my chest but it’s not real. I can’t take any pills to recover. I can’t do anything but move on.

But I know I’ll heal. Time will heal any pain. I am sure there must be someone out there who will find me and love me with all his heart.

Enough of this. I will continue to live.




Akbar menghabiskan 9 tahun untuk menyelesaikan pendidikannya sebagai mahasiswa kedokteran. Anehnya, dia meraih gelar S.Ked nya dalam 3.5 tahun saja. 

Apa yang terjadi selama 3.5 tahun masa koasnya? Saya tidak tahu banyak, saat itu kami belum bertemu. Namun hal yang lebih aneh lagi adalah dia mampu menyelesaikan periode koas nya termasuk semua ujian-ujian kompre maupun UKMPPD 2 tahun setelah kami bersama. 

Begitu teman-temanku tau kalau saya menjalin hubungan dengan mahasiswa, mereka terkejut dan bertanya, “kenapa mau sama mahasiswa? kenapa tidak yang sudah berkarir saja atau yang sudah sukses?” 

Sekarang, pertanyaan itu sudah hilang. Akbar juga sudah bekerja. Saya hanya tidak percaya bisa bersama-sama dia melewati berbagai macam fase dalam hidupnya. 
“Tell them, Ri, that your man is a doctor, now”, Akbar berujar begitu saat saya bercerita soal pertanyaan dari temanku dulu. 


Makassar – Jakarta- Weda

Tiga kota yang penting dalam hubunganku dengan Akbar.

Malam setelah dia dinyatakan lulus UKMPPD, Akbar menelpon dan mengajak buka bareng terakhir Ramadhan sebelum dia berangkat ke Weda besoknya, which is tonight. Dia akhirnya bisa berkumpul dengan keluarganya di momen Idul Fitri besok, setelah 2 tahun berturut-turut tak pulang karena masih fokus koas.

Sedangkan saya masih di Makassar. Menunggunya kembali.

Dia hanya akan transit di Makassar, mengurus beberapa keperluan untuk wisuda sebelum ke Jakarta lagi bekerja.

Saya ingat kami bertelepon dan membicarakan masa depan. Saya bertanya apakah dia merasa saya adalah beban? Dia menjawab, tidak justru kamu yang meringankan bebanku. 

Di atas motor tadi dia juga bertanya, bagaimana bisa saya bertahan bersamanya, menemaninya di masa-masa koas hingga selesai. Saya mencubitnya dan berkata bagaimana bisa dia bertanya seperti itu. 
“Karena Ri, jarang ada perempuan yang mau temani laki-laki pas lagi susah”, 

Kata-kata yang keluar dari kepalanya selalu membuatku tercengang dan terharu. 
Semoga tak lama lagi, Tuhan



Maybe some of you still wonder, why do I like K? What attracts me most about him? Well, you know, that question also always comes up in my mind. 
FYI, he is not attractive, at all. Well, physically. He has black skin: typical East people, he is plumpy with big stomach, he is taller than me, his body is covered by hair. 

But he has this smile that could melt my heart, he has this kind of staring that could paralyze my eyes. He has a very big heart that he can use to love me and accept all my flaws. 
He came into my house couple hours ago and brought me a bouquet of pink roses! I super loveeed it, I couldn’t stop smiling!
He surprised me a looot. 
And those are his most charming-attraction that attracts most. 

And I haven’t told you about his brain. 


Do you know the probability of me like someone? It’s 1: 30.000

When he asked “who wants to be with me after knowing my uncanny past?” 

I was about to telling him, “I do”

But you know, it’s just in my imagination: me telling him.

so I answered: “your girlfriend of course!” 

And he looked away.


Today, I have this uncanny feeling that would be explode in a minute. These are the reasons:

1. Mr. W, until this minute, hasn’t replied my text yet. You know the feeling when you expect the urgent and important replied but you don’t get one?

2. My Movers 2 class was messy. I was so disappointed and sad and mad but they’re just kids. But I can’t tolerate their attitude any longer.

3. I had my PMS

I’m going to go home now with Mr. Amin. So, later!


Teethache Attack

Last night I had teethache. It attacked me really hurt I want to die. 😥

My father suggested me to gargle some water with salt in it. Which I did. But the ache still there.

My mother asked me to put on Albotil. I’ve tried. But the ache still there.

And I kept produce saliva which made me sick because I spit so many times. I thought that was the longest night ever in my life, tried to survive with the ache.

Finally I took Mefinal- the killer pain. After an hour, I finally fell asleep.

The ache has gone. It’s like someone or something push the button ‘STOP the ache’ easily.

Today I plan to check my teeth to the dentist. Maybe after working hour. At night.

Or I have to lock myself in my room alone again with the same ache and crying.