Stages of Breaking Up

We broke up on Thursday night. I called him when he was busy with Bangladesh people discussing things about I don’t know. He complained about it. He said like, “I was talking with people and I had to pick up my phone because you keep calling me”

I was offended. That day was the sixth day he didn’t call. When I asked was everything okay, he said no. So I called. I wondered what was wrong.

So his parents had this plan to arrange his marriage with someone else. He said that his parents want him to be with a girl who is also a doctor. Since I am not one, his parents asked him not to be with me anymore.
And he couldn’t say no. He didn’t even want to fight for me, or find a way so we can be together. He didn’t even say he loved me. That night, he just said, “I don’t know what to say”.

I said I couldn’t break up. I couldn’t imagine my life without him. I loved him, I wanted to be with him. But he didn’t even say a word. In that moment I knew, we were going to split.

I finally said, “Let’s break up” and he agreed.

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I’ve deleted all pictures of us. I wanted to erase all memories about me and him. I blocked him on LINE, I unfollowed him on Instagram, I deleted his contact number. Just like in the movie “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”. I threw away all his belonging in my bedroom (which is thankfully, not many).

And then I called my friends. I told them about what I was going through. They supported me. They listened. They even cursed him as he acted as a total jerk. They said I deserve someone who is better. Someone who is kind and good and not selfish, someone who will love me with everything he has. I feel so much better after talking. I pray to God, hoping that this was the best step I could take.

Now, I am sitting here writing this on my blog because this is one of the place who witnessed my love life with Akbar. Since the first time we’ve been together. How I fell in love, how he once loved me and treated me nicely. I want to keep him here. So later in the near future, when I am eventually with somebody else, I could read this again and reminisce everything, and finally can laugh loud. Just like what I feel every time I read postings about Ilham.

There are 5 stages we have to deal with after breaking up, some psychologists say: they are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Now I’m having the first one. I still couldn’t believe now I can’t contact or talk or chat him anymore. I just can’t believe that someone I cared so much with all my heart in the past 2 years, had left me. It damages my heart. There’s a big hole in my chest but it’s not real. I can’t take any pills to recover. I can’t do anything but move on.

But I know I’ll heal. Time will heal any pain. I am sure there must be someone out there who will find me and love me with all his heart.

Enough of this. I will continue to live.

Ri

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Saat Aku Sakit

Saat aku sakit, aku terkurung dalam kamar yang penuh dengan teman-temanku. 

Sebab tiba-tiba guling menjadi sahabat yang mudah sekali kupeluk lalu kutinggalkan.

Buku-buku menjadi teman yang tak tergantikan, menghiburku dengan ceritanya yang sungguh menarik hati.

Jendela kamarku setiap pagi menawarkanku musik dari ceria kicau burung asmara

Karena orang-orang asli tak ada yang datang menawarkan percakapan yang begitu kudamba

Mereka hanya membawakan makanan lalu keluar

Dan aku hanya memikirkan diriku sendiri

RI

Disappointment

Due to my sickness, I can’t go to office. I can’t even think straight. What I know is I disappoint many people because of my illness. 

First, of course my  boss, Sir Amin. He, reluctantly, replaced me teaching my class yesterday and he will also, today. While he has classes to teach too, he, willy-nilly, has to cover my class.

My friend, Nunu. She and I want to apply for AA together. She handed me the copy of her documents that I would translate last Friday but the timing was not perfect. The official said it will be done in the beginning of May while the deadline of scholarship submission is on 30th April. 

RI

Sakit

Saya memang terkadang agak lebay di social media saat sakit. Itu karena saya tidak ada teman untuk berinteraksi. Orang di rumah cuma bertanya “sudah makan?”, “sudah baekan?”, “jangan ini itu dulu” dan sebagainya. 

Syukur juga selama beberapa tahun belakangan saya sudah tak pernah diopname lagi. Badanku ini rasanya tahu kalau guru tak bisa mengusahakan asuransi. Dan perusahaan tempatku bekerja sama sekali tak peduli dengan bpjs karyawannya. 

Hari ini sakitnya sama seperti sakit-sakit sebelumnya. Tapi biasanya sakit ini saya dapat jelang PMS. Sedangkan sekarang saya udah selesai datang bulan dan ‘shock’  nya baru menghampiri.

Atau mungkin karena kecapekan. Seminggu terakhir, saya mendambakan libur yang saya bisa tidur seharian. Hari ini saya mendapatkannya.

RI

Sick

Beberapa jam yang lalu mustinya saya ke kantor. Saya sudah minta Lulu buat menunggu supaya bisa keluar sama-sama. Tapi setelah mandi, perut saya sakit sekali. Kemarin perut saya juga nyeri. Perempuan perlu merasakan baik-baik jika perutnya sakit karena itu bisa berarti banyak hal. Kuduga, saya dapat nyeri haid.

Tapi saya tak pernah dapat nyeri seperti ini sejak saya haid belasan tahun lalu.

Kemudian saat sakitnya tak tertahankan, saya mengambil keputusan untuk kembali berjongkok ke kamar mandi.

Dan kemudian saya muntah. Seluruh sarapan saya keluar dengan paksaan dari dalam. Asam. Rasanya ingin pingsan di dalam sana, tapi aku harus kuat setidaknya membersihkan badanku.

Nyeri perutku tidak juga hilang malah semakin kuat. Saya takut tidak bisa ke kantor, saya takut harus dilarikan ke rumah sakit.

Saya minum air hangat dan memohon untuk selimut. Saya kedinginan, lemas, dan nyeri perut. Sepersekian detik kemudian, saya muntah lagi.

Dan akhirnya saya memutuskan untuk tidak ke kantor, menenggak Mefinal untuk penghilang nyeri, membungkus badanku dengan selimut dan tidur.

Saat memutuskan menulis ini saya kembali ingat bagaimana di tengah-tengah merasa sakit, saya mengingat mati. Saya tak pernah butuh takut untuk mati. Tapi saya pikir, mati pasti rasanya sakit, dan saya takut sakit.

Dan betapa mahalnya menjadi sehat.

RI

Sick

Hari keempat di kasur. Demam belum menjauh pergi. Batuk dan sakit kepala semakin membelit, tak ada gencatan senjata. Sekarang saya di rumah sendirian, katanya Bapak sebentar lagi datang. Rasanya seperti Kevin Mc Calister di Home Alone 4. Tapi bedanya Kevin kena cacar, saya kena demam.

Terpaksa hari ini saya absen mengajar. Siswaku pasti bingung karena gurunya diganti melulu. Tapi mau diapa lagi? Masa saya mau paksakan datang dengan kondisi seperti ini? Ntar tambah parah. Untung teman-teman kantor mendukung dan mendoakan agar saya lekas sembuh.

Haa, saya sudah lama gak sakit lama seperti ini. Paling cuma dua hari, sembuh. Ini sudah sejak Kamis dan tiap saya bangun pagi pasti kepala kayak dihantam godam, dan tubuh panas membara.

Mama panik. Sejak Jumat beliau merawatku dengan sabar sekali. Suapi makan, suapi obat, beliin buah, dan semuanya. Saya akan menikahi pria yang kalau saya sakit, bisa merawatku sesabar Ibu.

Well, oke then. Doakan saya lekas sembuh ya. Aamiin.

Sunshine