Karya


Sebagai guru, pengajar dan pendidik, hasil karyaku yang paling konkrit adalah setiap pengetahuan yang ada di kepala murid-muridku.

Saya mungkin belum menulis buku apapun, belum memproduksi film satupun, tapi setiap kali muridku mampu menulis kalimat dengan grammar yang tepat, disitulah karya dan usahaku terlihat. Setiap kali murid-muridku memahami kronologis sejarah Perang Dunia II, disitulah karyaku sesungguhnya dapat dilihat.

Karyaku bukan terdapat dalam benda mati, tapi ada dalam benda hidup. Living gallery. Karya yang hidup. Manusia.

Ri

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Nobody Said It Was Easy

Couple nights ago I wondered what did Ilham feel when we broke up. Was it hard for him? Did he find it difficult to forgive and forget me?

Because it was hard for me. I cried. I heard Taylor Swift's Fearless album and I sobbed more. I was devastated. I believe myself would not love anyone else anymore.

It had been happening for 2 years until I knew there was no feeling for him any longer.

I moved on. He's been with many women and I've been with no one.

And then I met Akbar. I didn't have any plan to fall. I just fell in love. It just happened. I didn't know why or when. Last thing I knew, I had been with him for more than 2 years before he announced separation.

And then again, my heart ripped. I was furious and morose. I hate him more than I hated Ilham.

So I wonder, what did he actually feel? Did he feel the same way as with me? Did he also find it difficult to break up, to forget me? How do men cope up with separation? Did his heart also break apart? Or was it just easy for him?

I want to know

Ri

English At Work

It feels good to be useful. Rasanya senang bisa bermanfaat, bisa dipercaya untuk membantu, bekerja karena kita punya skill dan kemampuan di bidang itu. Diana Rikasari pernah menulis di bukunya 88 Love and Life (lupa edisi keberapa karena memang isi bukunya quote semua), “Don’t use “passion” as an excuse to miss out on other things life has to offer. Don’t just live in your own passion-bubble and not touch other worlds. Be out there and stay current”. Dulu saya selalu percaya bahwa menulis adalah passion ku dan saya takkan bisa melakukan hal lain. Saya hidup dalam passion-bubble buatanku sendiri tanpa percaya bahwa saya ternyata bisa dilatih untuk menguasai skill lainnya, which is: teaching.

Saya mengajar tanpa harus meninggalkan passionku. Saya bisa bekerja di sekolah tanpa meninggalkan hal yang saya sukai sejak saya kecil: membaca dan menulis. Saya membuka Litmosphere dan bisa tetap menulis di blog. Bukankah itu hal yang sangat menyenangkan?

Kamis ini adalah pekan ke-4 saya dan Miss Etty mengajar para karyawan di PT PP Pelabuhan. Kantornya itu di Paotere, Makassar. Yap, tempat kapal-kapal bersandar, di dekat Jalan Sabutung. Kami dipercaya oleh Sun Education untuk mengajar English At Work untuk karyawan yang sedang menjalankan proyek pembangunan New Port Makassar. Proyek ini berjalan dengan kerjasama perusahaan dari Belgia, so they need english to communicate at work. Kelasnya itu diadakan setiap Kamis pukul 7.30 pagi sampai 09.00.

Rasanya menyenangkan sebab saya bisa bertemu dengan orang-orang baru, travel to another place selain sekolah (diantar jemput sopir dari dan kembali ke sekolah). Pekerjaan ini sebenarnya lebih menantang karena saya harus belajar banyak sekali tentang istilah teknik yang asing di telinga. Istilah semacam causeway, turning basin, dumping/disposal area, silt curtain, break water, vessel, dredging, etc.

English At Work ini semacam program dari Sun Education Makassar. Kita travel ke beberapa tempat/ kantor yang memang butuh diajari english untuk digunakan dalam pekerjaan. Mostly tentang grammar. Tapi bukan cuma itu. Jadinya kita malah lebih how to use english to speak. Tapi sebenarnya sesuai kebutuhan yang bersangkutan sih maunya fokus kemana.

Ada 16 kali pertemuan dan kurikulumnya sendiri dirancang sedemikian rupa sesuai kebutuhan. Menurutku, sebagai teacher, program ini mustinya bisa laku karena apa sih yang tidak membutuhkan bahasa inggris hari ini?

Ri

Lies and Bullshit

Akbar told me lies and bullshit that I only realised recently after we broke up.

He seemed never told his parents about his planning of marrying me. He lied to me. He lied and I trusted him.

He must have lied also when he said that his parents wanted him to marry a doctor. He lied. He only couldn't find a good reason to break up with me. He wasn't gentle enough. He wasn't manly enough. He was gutless. He used his parents to break up with me. I didn't believe his parents were that mean. They're nice and good. Akbar was lying. Akbar was the bad man. And I was too blind to see it. Fortunately, I have ended our relationship.

I know the truth.

He didn't want me to interrupt his career in Jakarta. He thought I was too annoying. He couldn't keep his promises. He knows he is now a successful doctor and there are many beautiful girls who are dying for his love. So, he made up a reason to break up.

I have just found this type of man. I would never ever want to meet another like him again.

He is even worse. The worst man I've known. I hate lies. I hate bullshit. I hate unfaithful man.

It was such a relieve I've broken up with him.

Ri

Rencana-Rencana

Ilham bertanya padaku di salah satu percakapan telepon kami beberapa hari yang lalu.
“Jadi apa rencanamu sekarang, Ri?”

Saat itu saya hanya membatin, “wait and see” namun menjawabnya, “Terserah Tuhan sajalah”

Tapi belakangan saya sepenuhnya aware, bahwa menunggu dan lihat bukanlah sesuatu yang disukai Tuhan. Dan tidak melakukan dan merencanakan apa-apa tidak akan mengubah apapun. Jadi saya mulai menyusun beberapa rencana.

Chevening
LPDP
IELTS
CPNS
WHV

Saya butuh meng-upgrade diriku. menantang diriku versi lama dan menemukan diriku versi terbaru.

Sebab soal menikah dan jodoh bukanlah sesuatu yang bisa saya usahakan seperti melamar beasiswa dan mengikuti tes macam-macam. Soal jodoh dan menikah, sepenuhnya saya serahkan kepada Allah SWT.

Ri

Stages of Breaking Up

We broke up on Thursday night. I called him when he was busy with Bangladesh people discussing things about I don’t know. He complained about it. He said like, “I was talking with people and I had to pick up my phone because you keep calling me”

I was offended. That day was the sixth day he didn’t call. When I asked was everything okay, he said no. So I called. I wondered what was wrong.

So his parents had this plan to arrange his marriage with someone else. He said that his parents want him to be with a girl who is also a doctor. Since I am not one, his parents asked him not to be with me anymore.
And he couldn’t say no. He didn’t even want to fight for me, or find a way so we can be together. He didn’t even say he loved me. That night, he just said, “I don’t know what to say”.

I said I couldn’t break up. I couldn’t imagine my life without him. I loved him, I wanted to be with him. But he didn’t even say a word. In that moment I knew, we were going to split.

I finally said, “Let’s break up” and he agreed.

================================================================================================================

I’ve deleted all pictures of us. I wanted to erase all memories about me and him. I blocked him on LINE, I unfollowed him on Instagram, I deleted his contact number. Just like in the movie “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”. I threw away all his belonging in my bedroom (which is thankfully, not many).

And then I called my friends. I told them about what I was going through. They supported me. They listened. They even cursed him as he acted as a total jerk. They said I deserve someone who is better. Someone who is kind and good and not selfish, someone who will love me with everything he has. I feel so much better after talking. I pray to God, hoping that this was the best step I could take.

Now, I am sitting here writing this on my blog because this is one of the place who witnessed my love life with Akbar. Since the first time we’ve been together. How I fell in love, how he once loved me and treated me nicely. I want to keep him here. So later in the near future, when I am eventually with somebody else, I could read this again and reminisce everything, and finally can laugh loud. Just like what I feel every time I read postings about Ilham.

There are 5 stages we have to deal with after breaking up, some psychologists say: they are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Now I’m having the first one. I still couldn’t believe now I can’t contact or talk or chat him anymore. I just can’t believe that someone I cared so much with all my heart in the past 2 years, had left me. It damages my heart. There’s a big hole in my chest but it’s not real. I can’t take any pills to recover. I can’t do anything but move on.

But I know I’ll heal. Time will heal any pain. I am sure there must be someone out there who will find me and love me with all his heart.

Enough of this. I will continue to live.

Ri

Episode Terakhir

: akbar

tak ada sedikit pun ramalan
yang terlintas dalam pikiran
bahwa kau pun pada akhirnya
akan pergi dan menyakitiku.

episode terakhir
dari garis pertemuan hidup kita
akan terkenang
sebagai momen yang paling menghentak dadaku.

saya mengerti
tapi mengharapkanku menjadi sepertimu, 
seperti mengharapkanmu menjadi diriku
dan itu layaknya membayangkan
mimpi paling mustahil menjadi nyata.

tak ada jarak yang begitu besar 
atau rintang yang begitu jauh
diletakkan di depan orang yang saling cinta
untuk dilalui.

tapi kau menyerah
dan saya tak bisa berjalan sendiri

Ri