In Between

I am in between two questions that can’t stop overrule my brain and my mind. 

What are you doing here now? 

What do you want to reach? 

Future is scared me. I am insecure. Now what should I do? 

RI

Disappointment

Due to my sickness, I can’t go to office. I can’t even think straight. What I know is I disappoint many people because of my illness. 

First, of course my  boss, Sir Amin. He, reluctantly, replaced me teaching my class yesterday and he will also, today. While he has classes to teach too, he, willy-nilly, has to cover my class.

My friend, Nunu. She and I want to apply for AA together. She handed me the copy of her documents that I would translate last Friday but the timing was not perfect. The official said it will be done in the beginning of May while the deadline of scholarship submission is on 30th April. 

RI

Sakit

Saya memang terkadang agak lebay di social media saat sakit. Itu karena saya tidak ada teman untuk berinteraksi. Orang di rumah cuma bertanya “sudah makan?”, “sudah baekan?”, “jangan ini itu dulu” dan sebagainya. 

Syukur juga selama beberapa tahun belakangan saya sudah tak pernah diopname lagi. Badanku ini rasanya tahu kalau guru tak bisa mengusahakan asuransi. Dan perusahaan tempatku bekerja sama sekali tak peduli dengan bpjs karyawannya. 

Hari ini sakitnya sama seperti sakit-sakit sebelumnya. Tapi biasanya sakit ini saya dapat jelang PMS. Sedangkan sekarang saya udah selesai datang bulan dan ‘shock’  nya baru menghampiri.

Atau mungkin karena kecapekan. Seminggu terakhir, saya mendambakan libur yang saya bisa tidur seharian. Hari ini saya mendapatkannya.

RI

Hal Paling Berat

Hal paling berat adalah terus memandangi orang yang kita suka tanpa punya kemampuan untuk memeluknya.

Sehingga terpaksa kau memeluknya dalam pikiranmu. 

Hal paling berat adalah mengalihkan pandangan dari wajah orang yang kau suka karena kau tak bisa menahan ketidakmampuan untuk memeluknya. 

Dadamu berdebar-debar 

Dan kau berharap sekali saja, dia tak meninggalkanmu demi kekasihnya. 

RI

What I Can’t Stand

If there’s something unfair happens many times, the urge to fight back in my head and mind will emerge. Like alarm, it will ring. 

It’s like saying: 

“They can’t treat you like this. You deserve better than this.”

And sometimes I will find the quickest and quitest way: QUIT.

When B hurt my feeling so many many times I couldn’t bear it long enough, I agreed to quit our relationship. I am never ashamed of the fact that he is the one who stated ‘goodbye’ first. But you know, I am never proud of it also.

When R treated me unfairly without explanation, I was fatigue enough to go on, I gave up on it. I quit. 

Maybe yes, I am a quitter. Or maybe I just don’t care. 

RI

Today

Today, I have this uncanny feeling that would be explode in a minute. These are the reasons:

1. Mr. W, until this minute, hasn’t replied my text yet. You know the feeling when you expect the urgent and important replied but you don’t get one?

2. My Movers 2 class was messy. I was so disappointed and sad and mad but they’re just kids. But I can’t tolerate their attitude any longer.

3. I had my PMS

I’m going to go home now with Mr. Amin. So, later!

RI

Air Mata

Kau tahu untuk apa diciptakan air mata? 

Untuk melukis kesedihan

memvisualkan remuk redam perasaan.

Hatiku hancur,

Lebur

Berdebur

Sungkur

Lalu, air mata menghapus kesedihan perlahan-lahan seperti seorang ibu  meninabobokan anaknya dalam pangkuan

RI

I Say

I say I want to be kissed

You say you want to be thrown

In a deep ocean 

of regret and despair

Sail! Sail! Sail! 

I say let’s cross the path

Hold on of what you believe

Kiss is not just a kiss

But you don’t want to be touched

So I let you go

and you let me go

You can’t love someone with pride and ego like that. 

RI