Hole

There’s a hole, a big hole in my chest. It’s open, hurtful and empty. 
I walk with that hole. I laugh, I walk, I eat and I pretend everything is alright while it’s not. 

We made it.

We hurt each other by words and by acts. 

And I hurt myself by hurting you.

RI

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Sakitku sudah berangsur-angsur membaik hari ini. Entah apa yang membuatku bangkit dan kembali  bersemangat. 

Hari ini banyak sekali kabar bahagia dari kawan-kawan dan saudaraku.

Isti’s tolobalango. 

Amel’s sweet 17 birthday will be held in PH Pettarani

….

And at the end of the day, Akbar called. He said sorry for being such a jerk lately. He promised to come in Amel’s day this Friday. I said thank you for making time. 

He said, “what I did can’t compare to what you did to me, Ri. You are just the kindest”.

It blew me away. 

I love you, thank you very much. 

RI

Happiness

Hello!

Ini sudah pukul 2 dini hari. Seperti biasa, saya terbangun lagi seperti hari-hari sebelumnya selama seminggu belakangan.

Kemarin, 9 Oktober 2016. Saya benar-benar ingin menulis sebagai sesuatu yang akan saya ingat dan kenang nantinya. 

Ponakan keduaku lahir. 

It’s a boy again. Warni, kakakku, harus menyerahkan perutnya dibelah lagi di meja operasi. Alhamdulillah, both baby and mother are in a healthy condition. 

  He was born at 6:45am. dengan berat 2.6kg dan tinggi 46cm. 

Setelah itu, saya pulang sama Bapak ke rumah dan malamnya, my boyfriend asked me to have dinner with his family. 

It was my first experience so I was a little bit nervous. He was, too. I was worried if things wouldn’t happen as I planned or expected. 

Tapi sungguh, orang tua dan adeknya sangat welcome. Saya banyak mengobrol dengan mamanya yang ternyata punya banyaak sekali hal untuk diceritakan. 

“Mamaku itu Ri, biasanya diam kalau ketemu sama orang baru. Nah, ini kenapa kalian ngobrol banyak?” katanya. 

Pertama kali saya melihat dan salim ke orang tuanya, saya tahu kalau bisa nyaman duduk semobil dengan mereka. Perasaan nyaman yang sama yang saya rasakan setiap kali bersama Akbar. 

It was rained the entire evening. Akbar took me home at 10pm. 

I was happy and thankful. 

Alhamdulillah. 

RI

Full of Love

If I die young, I’d be known as a lover. I want everybody who will have arrived here, will know that when I was alive, my life was filled with love and only love. 
I love my parents; Ma, Pa. 
I love all my irritating and annoying sisters:  Nong, Ayu, Long, Mellong, Qanita. 

I love K, the love of my life. 

I love my bestfriends whom I can’t tell one by one. There are too many! But of course, Dini- Nita – Rahma- Tya- Isti. They are forever going to be mi mon ami! 
Even when I am about to sleep now, I want to forgive myself. For not making the plans and for making mistakes. I want to make sure that myself awares of the amazing “everything-will-be-fine” quotes. 

Heal inside yourself by forgiving your own. Be happy. Be loved. 

RI

Object

When we love someone, we make him or her our object. 

If you cook, you cook food for him.

If you are able to take good pictures, you take hundreds of his.

If you are a writer or poet, you write thousands notes about him.

If you are a designer, you design something for him.

If you are a good doctor, you take care of him.

If you are a composer, you invent songs of him.

If you are a singer, you sing to him.

Our beloved one will always be our object of affection. He will always be the first person we had in our mind when it isn’t occupied by other things. 

It’s difficult for me to like someone but when I do, I love hard. and thank God I have found someone to be the object of my affection, the one that I could share ‘I love you, you know’ every night. 
I want him to know that I love him as much as he does.

*2 a.m now, the dog is barking loudly from afar* 

RI

When

Ika Natassa di Critical Eleven menulis kira-kira seperti ini:

Menjalin hubungan artinya menyerahkan kebahagiaan kita di tangan orang lain. Kebahagiaan kita sangat dipengaruhi oleh perlakuan pasangan kita. 

Which is sucks. 

Kita bergantung dan it sucks.
Tapi setelah menulis kalimat barusan saya jadi berpikir ulang.

Kenapa hal itu menyebalkan? 

Apakah karena the idea of not being independent anymore? And that makes you think you are weak?

What if you ARE INDEED a weak person who needs shoulder to cry on? 

Misalkan kalau kita menolak untuk menggantungkan hidup pada Allah, Dia pasti marah dan anggap kita sombong.

Tapi itu kan Tuhan. Maksudku kita bisa bergantung pada-Nya saja, bukan?

Kita tak boleh menggantungkan harapan pada selain Dia kan?

Jadi kenapa saya harus membiarkan orang lain mempengaruhi apa yang kurasakan?

I hate K tonight for making me so upset. 

RI