Stages of Breaking Up

We broke up on Thursday night. I called him when he was busy with Bangladesh people discussing things about I don’t know. He complained about it. He said like, “I was talking with people and I had to pick up my phone because you keep calling me”

I was offended. That day was the sixth day he didn’t call. When I asked was everything okay, he said no. So I called. I wondered what was wrong.

So his parents had this plan to arrange his marriage with someone else. He said that his parents want him to be with a girl who is also a doctor. Since I am not one, his parents asked him not to be with me anymore.
And he couldn’t say no. He didn’t even want to fight for me, or find a way so we can be together. He didn’t even say he loved me. That night, he just said, “I don’t know what to say”.

I said I couldn’t break up. I couldn’t imagine my life without him. I loved him, I wanted to be with him. But he didn’t even say a word. In that moment I knew, we were going to split.

I finally said, “Let’s break up” and he agreed.


I’ve deleted all pictures of us. I wanted to erase all memories about me and him. I blocked him on LINE, I unfollowed him on Instagram, I deleted his contact number. Just like in the movie “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”. I threw away all his belonging in my bedroom (which is thankfully, not many).

And then I called my friends. I told them about what I was going through. They supported me. They listened. They even cursed him as he acted as a total jerk. They said I deserve someone who is better. Someone who is kind and good and not selfish, someone who will love me with everything he has. I feel so much better after talking. I pray to God, hoping that this was the best step I could take.

Now, I am sitting here writing this on my blog because this is one of the place who witnessed my love life with Akbar. Since the first time we’ve been together. How I fell in love, how he once loved me and treated me nicely. I want to keep him here. So later in the near future, when I am eventually with somebody else, I could read this again and reminisce everything, and finally can laugh loud. Just like what I feel every time I read postings about Ilham.

There are 5 stages we have to deal with after breaking up, some psychologists say: they are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Now I’m having the first one. I still couldn’t believe now I can’t contact or talk or chat him anymore. I just can’t believe that someone I cared so much with all my heart in the past 2 years, had left me. It damages my heart. There’s a big hole in my chest but it’s not real. I can’t take any pills to recover. I can’t do anything but move on.

But I know I’ll heal. Time will heal any pain. I am sure there must be someone out there who will find me and love me with all his heart.

Enough of this. I will continue to live.



Blend In

It’s been 6 months I’ve been working in school and I still feel don’t belong to it. I got these complicated coworkers and sometimes I feel get left behind. I feel unwanted. 

Today I didn’t go to school. I informed them about it and they didn’t respond even only with “okay”. 

This is the first time and the first place I feel difficult to blend myself in. Everybody has already got everyone and they don’t want to take anyone new to join in. 

They never feel like to inform me about anything. I have to ask, I have to know by myself, I have to find out by my own. Nobody wants to try to getting closer to me, nobody wants to joke or something. Everything is so formal and strict. They only joke around with their friends and I don’t understand which part the funny sides.

It’s been 6 months and I don’t have a friend. 

I wish everything will be different in a year. 



Kemarin, saya dan Nita singgah makan di Coto Lesehan dekat kampus Unhas setelah lari sore. Baru beberapa menit kami makan, tiga bocah pengemis masuk dan meminta uang ke beberapa pelanggan, termasuk ke Nita.

Kupikir Nita tidak akan memberi bocah laki-laki itu apapun. Tapi saya salah duga. 

Nita tidak memberinya uang tapi memesankan dua porsi coto untuk anak itu dan teman-temannya.

“Kenapa ko belikan Nit?”, kutanya.

“Ya daripada saya kasih uang? Mending saya kasih makan”, jawab Nita singkat.

Saya tidak pernah mendapat teman yang seperti itu. Teman lain, ya seringnya tidak peduli sama pengemis dan peminta-minta. Tapi Nita, dia mengajarkan saya untuk mengubah cara kita berbuat baik. Sebab, jika kita memberi mereka uang, mereka bisa salah gunakan. Tapi kalau makanan? Mereka bisa apa selain memakannya?

Tapi sayang sekali, setelah bocah-bocah itu makan, mereka sama sekali tidak berterimakasih pada Nita. Mereka langsung pergi. 

“Sayang sekali, mereka tidak diajarkan berterimakasih”, Nita bilang. 

Wajah Wajah Asing

Akhirnya wajah familiar itu menjadi asing
Teman yang dulu dekat kini jauh mengapung
Apa yang kekal?
Selain kenangan yang bahkan akan terus tergerus rubuh

Aku tahu yang menjaga kita tetap utuh adalah rasa rindu
Lalu bagaimana jika rindu pun lelap gelap lenyap?

Dan ketika kenangan dan rindu tak ada lagi, apa yang merekatkan kita?
Sungguhpun jarak membentang sepulau, satu samudera, berlapis langit.

Bukankah apa yang utuh di hati takkan terganti oleh yang tak punya hati?



I hate it when I talk too much. Rasanya saya ingin memencet tombol rewind dari awal. Saya benci kalau orang bisa salah persepsi tentang apa yang saya katakan. I am not good at talking, make a conversation is not my style.

This night, I want to be a stranger and hope that I don’t have any friends.

I want to runaway.

I hate this feeling.

I need my Mom. I want to come in her belly again. Tidak merasakan apa-apa. Tidak perlu mencemaskan apa-apa. Tak perlu memikirkan apa yang akan terjadi di masa depan.

Please God. I need to take a rest.